you think you have to want more than you need...

Saturday, August 30

So I'm going to confess something. But promise not to judge me, okay?

I didn't leave my house today.

I didn't plan it that way, but everything just fell into place so perfectly. I woke up before 8 and did a quick mental run through of my options for the day. And then it occurred to me that the exact thing I wanted to be doing was laying in bed drinking a cup of tea while watching the episode of No Reservations that I got from iTunes yesterday where Anthony Bourdain goes to the American Southwest. Perfection. I even got to see a shot of downtown Phoenix.

And it just kind of progressed from there. I made popcorn. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I made some lunch. I watched Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I read "Death of an Innocent: How Christopher McCandless lost his way in the wilds" by Jon Krakauer... The precursor to Into the Wild, the book and, of course, the movie. I made more popcorn. Then I watched Into the Wild. I've tried watching it twice before and had been in and out of sleep before giving it up both times. I've had this weird feeling about the movie because of those two experiences. Sleep makes things weird sometimes. I haven't been eager to see it, really, until today after reading the article. I loved it. There's a part where he's particularly excited about an apple that he's eating. I loved that part.

Every now and then I get in this place, emotionally... And there's no real equation or formula that brings me there, although it generally tends to stem from a book, a movie, music, and lately, my podcasts, especially This American Life and Selected Shorts from Public Radio International. I suppose today's spell makes sense. I finished reading Shantaram last night. Watched both One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Into the Wild in one day. Listened to two phenomenal This American Lifes yesterday, one of which featured an as yet unidentified song that has me seriously and wonderfully attached. I feel incapable of describing this place... and how it makes me feel. I always try to prolong it. Most often with music. And it usually works for awhile, but it always eventually dissipates... I start making poor music choices... And then I kill it... I always know there will be another one. I wouldn't get much done if I always felt this way because all I want to do when I feel this way is to simply feel this way. And I think rather than feeling something specific, it's just feeling strongly and deeply and truly that I am in touch with or connected to something. Whatever it may be...

Whoa. Does that paragraph make any sense?

I got in touch with my inner Betty Crocker yesterday and the day before and made some cookies... Peanut butter, oat, and cocoa no-bakes and snickerdoodles. I brought some down to the women at the neddi (the women's argan association) yesterday and made a delivery to my host family as well. The neddi ladies were pretty excited. They really enjoyed them. I'm honestly just surprised that I didn't make an awful mess of it. I saw and talked to a fair amount of people yesterday. And now it's the weekend. So I'll go ahead and say that I think it's okay that I stayed in today. It was a wonderful day.

And maybe I lied a little bit. ...Because I was making hot cocoa at around 10pm and heard thunder while I was standing in the kitchen. I've been craving a thunderstorm, so my interest was piqued. I unlocked my front door and stepped outside with my cocoa (so I did, technically, leave my house). I could see stars in the sky. No clouds. But there was definitely thunder in the western sky. And then I heard something rustle in the plants about a foot away from me. So I terminated my 30-second quality time with nature and quickly stepped back inside.

I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space