it's the most wonderful time of the year...

I had an epiphany this week...

Walk toward people instead of away from them.

Wow.

I like that I'm still learning how to be a person. I've never really understood the phrase "eating humble pie," but I'm pretty sure that every day in my life is an all-you-can-eat humble buffet.

This week, I've been focusing on getting out more in the afternoons and being a presence in my neighborhood. I sit and at least attempt conversation with different groups of women and girls. If nothing else, we confirm, with a fair amount of repeated and rapid fire questioning, that all is well with each other - family, health, home. Are you happy? Yes, I'm happy. Are your parents well? Yes, they are well, thank God. Your family? They are well, thank God. Your health? It is good, thank God. It's been really positive. I have some great neighbors and the kids that live around me are really sweet and a lot of fun. A couple of younger neighborhood girls wanted to know if I dye my hair, if my blue eyes are really contacts, and if I've ever met anyone famous back in the States. I asked them if they knew the show FRIENDS. The one with three girls and three boys? Yes. You know the girl with the black hair? Yes. I met her when I was 13. I met her husband as well. Her husband in real life or on the show? Real life. They asked if she's my neighbor back in America. No.

We're in the middle of Ramadan right now - it will last all of September this year. It's the month in the Islamic calendar when men, women, and children who have reached adolescence fast from "sun-up" to "sun-down," although it doesn't follow that rule precisely. I have a fairly rudimentary understanding of all that Ramadan entails, but I've been able to observe some of the practices and know to some degree how people alter their schedules and behaviors this time of year. Fasting includes both food and drink, as well as things like smoking and sex. There are some exceptions to fasting. You are exempt if you are traveling, sick, or are a woman and have your period. The exemption applies to only food and drink. The general practice is to make up the days that you don't fast after Ramadan is over. Where I live, the morning call to prayer that indicates that all eating and drinking must be finished is around 4:50. In the evening, the call the prayer indicating that all may break fast is around 6:50.

These days, the regular greetings all seem to be preceded by "Are you fasting?" Yes. "Is Ramadan hard?" Not anymore. I'm used to it. "Is Ramadan nice?" Yes, of course. Ramadan is very nice. I made the decision to fast I guess as an act of solidarity with my community. It's been interesting thus far. I've noticed that, above all, it requires me to be intentional. I set the alarm on my watch for 4:05 every morning and have the alarm set on my phone for 4:10. My watch is near my bed and never succeeds in getting me out of bed. My phone, I learned, needs to not be near my bed. Therefore, I put it in my kitchen every night and wake up in a startled panic every morning. It is one of the most terrible noises known to man. It wins every time. I have to get out of bed to make it stop.

Feeding myself in the mornings generally consists of deliriously grabbing what's easy and what will not leave me hungry two hours later. Fruits, vegetables, almonds, sometimes oatmeal, and lots of water. Around 5, I go back to bed until 8 or 9. Mostly, I don't let myself think about not eating or drinking until after 12. If I think about it before noon, it seems like there are just too many hours ahead of me. The light at the end of the tunnel starts showing at around 5. The hunger really isn't much trouble, but it can be difficult to not drink water, especially if it's hot outside. When it's time to break fast, I eat mostly fruits and vegetables, sometimes an egg, sometimes yogurt. Here, it's traditional to break fast with a soup called askif that has different variations, but most commonly consists of chick peas, lentils, small noodles, and spices in a light broth. This week, a family who lives near me has been sending over pots of askif. I think it's almost ridiculous how moved I was when I got that first pot. It was just such simple act of kindness. As for the askif, it's tasty, but add some hot sauce and pepper, and it's delicious. I drink a lot of water during the sunless hours. About three or four Nalgenes (32 oz each). Consequently, I make a fair amount of delirious trips to the bathroom during the night.

you think you have to want more than you need...

Saturday, August 30

So I'm going to confess something. But promise not to judge me, okay?

I didn't leave my house today.

I didn't plan it that way, but everything just fell into place so perfectly. I woke up before 8 and did a quick mental run through of my options for the day. And then it occurred to me that the exact thing I wanted to be doing was laying in bed drinking a cup of tea while watching the episode of No Reservations that I got from iTunes yesterday where Anthony Bourdain goes to the American Southwest. Perfection. I even got to see a shot of downtown Phoenix.

And it just kind of progressed from there. I made popcorn. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I made some lunch. I watched Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I read "Death of an Innocent: How Christopher McCandless lost his way in the wilds" by Jon Krakauer... The precursor to Into the Wild, the book and, of course, the movie. I made more popcorn. Then I watched Into the Wild. I've tried watching it twice before and had been in and out of sleep before giving it up both times. I've had this weird feeling about the movie because of those two experiences. Sleep makes things weird sometimes. I haven't been eager to see it, really, until today after reading the article. I loved it. There's a part where he's particularly excited about an apple that he's eating. I loved that part.

Every now and then I get in this place, emotionally... And there's no real equation or formula that brings me there, although it generally tends to stem from a book, a movie, music, and lately, my podcasts, especially This American Life and Selected Shorts from Public Radio International. I suppose today's spell makes sense. I finished reading Shantaram last night. Watched both One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Into the Wild in one day. Listened to two phenomenal This American Lifes yesterday, one of which featured an as yet unidentified song that has me seriously and wonderfully attached. I feel incapable of describing this place... and how it makes me feel. I always try to prolong it. Most often with music. And it usually works for awhile, but it always eventually dissipates... I start making poor music choices... And then I kill it... I always know there will be another one. I wouldn't get much done if I always felt this way because all I want to do when I feel this way is to simply feel this way. And I think rather than feeling something specific, it's just feeling strongly and deeply and truly that I am in touch with or connected to something. Whatever it may be...

Whoa. Does that paragraph make any sense?

I got in touch with my inner Betty Crocker yesterday and the day before and made some cookies... Peanut butter, oat, and cocoa no-bakes and snickerdoodles. I brought some down to the women at the neddi (the women's argan association) yesterday and made a delivery to my host family as well. The neddi ladies were pretty excited. They really enjoyed them. I'm honestly just surprised that I didn't make an awful mess of it. I saw and talked to a fair amount of people yesterday. And now it's the weekend. So I'll go ahead and say that I think it's okay that I stayed in today. It was a wonderful day.

And maybe I lied a little bit. ...Because I was making hot cocoa at around 10pm and heard thunder while I was standing in the kitchen. I've been craving a thunderstorm, so my interest was piqued. I unlocked my front door and stepped outside with my cocoa (so I did, technically, leave my house). I could see stars in the sky. No clouds. But there was definitely thunder in the western sky. And then I heard something rustle in the plants about a foot away from me. So I terminated my 30-second quality time with nature and quickly stepped back inside.

I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space